


Happy Go Lucky

by dancer4eva



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-13 10:53:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18939484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancer4eva/pseuds/dancer4eva
Summary: A sad songfic based on Steps' "Happy Go Lucky" feat. Spencer and Derek.





	Happy Go Lucky

_All my love was yours_  
_Of this I was so sure_  
_I guess I never saw it coming baby_  
_But now I'm over the surprise_  
_I'm wearing this disguise_  
_So everyone can think I'm having fun baby._

He was so sure. So convinced that Derek loved him and only him. That's what Derek had promised. It was their secret; first, to give them the privacy to explore what was developing, then because it was too pure to share. Derek became integrated in every part of his life. Became is the wrong word: it became clear to him that Derek was always integrated in every part of his life. Then, Savanah entered the scene. At first, it was friendly. Then, Derek asked if he could "hang out" with just her. It turns our that hang out means sleep with. Spencer never saw it coming. But his family had no idea. They were so happy for Derek. And as Derek and Savannah grew closer and had Hank, the team only grew happier. Except Spencer.

_The world only sees me smiling._  
_My pillow knows the truth every night_  
_Cause that's where I hide my sorrow._

He did his best to hide his pain. Derek cheated, got his mistress pregnant, and everyone was happy for him. This was a lesson on social etiquette Spencer was unprepared for. Work got harder and harder every day. Knowing that the people that knew him best--JJ, Emily, and Garcia--had no idea. Morgan seemed to brush it under the rug.

_And they call me happy-go-lucky_  
_They don't know my heart is dying inside._  
_A smile's a frown turned upside down,_  
_I do my happy-go-lucky so well,_  
_I'm even fooling myself._

There were days he was able to keep it all so hidden he surprised even himself. JJ remarked one day about happy Spencer seemed to be lately. When Derek asked Emily what was wrong with Spencer (because he hadn't called, texted, or come by his and Savannah's), Emily had no response. Spencer seemed to have finally found happiness himself.

_Now I put it to the test,_  
_I know it's for the best_  
_In fact it's good that you walked out on me baby_  
_I've learned how to survive_  
_Without you in my life_  
_So why am I still talking about you baby_

Over time, Spencer realized that he had spent years relying on Morgan to save him, protect him, and love him. Him cheating and leaving, without a care in the world, was the most painful thing Spencer's lived trough--and he's gotten sober. Learning to survive without Morgan was a shock. And yet, Spencer was stronger and more independent than ever. One night, when the girls were out, Spencer and Will were hanging out and talking about Henry. A couple beers in and Spencer admitted it all. As it came out, he realized how much he'd learned about his own strength in the past year.

_The world only sees my smiling_  
_But my pillow knows the truth every night_  
_Cause that's where I hide my sorrow_

What Spencer didn't know was that Derek, too, was broken inside. He loves Spencer, but how can he do that to his Momma and sisters? The worst thing he's ever done was give up the love of his life. It's why he left the BAU; sure, he wanted to be with Hank, but how could he see Spence every day and not have him? He loved Savannah, but she was a passing fancy. Spencer is Derek's soulmate, of that he is sure.

_And they call me happy-go-lucky_  
_They don't know my heart is dying inside._  
_A smile's a frown turned upside down,_  
_I do my happy-go-lucky so well,_  
_I'm even fooling myself._

Derek played the happy father and fiancé. He devoted every waking moment to his son. He couldn't let himself think of Spence. Every smile was forced, except when with Hank. Everyone was fooled.

_And they call me happy-go-lucky_  
_They don't know my heart is dying inside._  
_A smile's a frown turned upside down,_  
_I do my happy-go-lucky so well,_  
_I'm even fooling myself._

How dare they not his pain? Spencer was both furious and relieved that no one seemed to notice how he struggled. He isn't that good an actor. Somehow, though, his smile fooled them all, even himself. 

_All my love was yours_  
_I guess I was so sure_

_When I see the morning light_  
_I put on this facade_  
_It's all I have to protect my pride_  
_It's all I've got, this smile is all I've got_

Derek's pride is what got him into this mess. And now, it's backed him into a corner. Spencer has stopped texting, calling, stopping by, or even talking to him on the rare family dinner night. Savanah has finally figured it out--she gave him an ultimatum: her and Hank, or Spencer. He will always choose his son first. His Momma and sister first. The bullying Spence would have to endure at the FBI for a public gay relationship, Derek convinced himself he was protecting Spence. This is the life he made for himself.

_And they call me happy-go-lucky_  
_They don't know my heart is dying inside._  
_A smile's a frown turned upside down,_  
_I do my happy-go-lucky so well,_  
_I'm even fooling myself._

Spencer worked hard every day to smile. It got harder and harder. He slowly but surely stopped trying so hard; no one seemed to notice any real change. His smiles were forced. He talked his way out of family dinners. He spent more time teaching and consulting. His career was skyrocketing while his personal life plummeted.  

_And they call me happy-go-lucky_  
_They don't know my heart is dying inside._  
_A smile's a frown turned upside down,_  
_I do my happy-go-lucky so well,_  
_I'm even fooling myself._

One day, Spencer had enough. He quit the BAU and went home to Vegas. His first book sold well; better than Rossi's. So did the subsequent ones. When JJ showed up at his door one morning, he explained that a real family would have noticed his pain. They never did.


End file.
